Precious Moments

I am so lucky. I mean SO lucky. My life is absolutely perfect right now. I go through my days not wanting to forget a single second of my life. I wish I could just bottle it up and keep it in my pocket forever. Here are some of the things I don’t want to ever forget:

• They way Nathan smiles at me when I go to get him out of his crib in the morning – he lights up with joy!
• The way Nathan smells – that sweet intoxicating baby smell.
• The way his little hand grasps my finger with such a strong grip
• The way he holds on to my shirt when I’m nursing him – so content.
• The way he screams as if he’s never eaten in his whole life when he is ready to eat.
• The way he turns his head down and into his shoulder as if he is so shy.
• The way he kicks his little legs constantly as if he needs to show them who’s boss.
• The way he is captivated by lights in the ceiling.
• The way he falls asleep in my arms even before we read our bedtime story.
• The way his cute little mouth drinks his vitamins at night.
• The way he snuggles into my shoulder when I’m holding him.
• The way he loves to sit in my lap and hang out or read books.
• The way his cute little toes curl up when I go to play with his feet.
• The way he sometimes lets this little scream out after he sneezes.
• How smooth his skin is – perfection.
• The way he sucks on his hands all the time!
• How he has one little extra ridge on his right ear that’s not on his left.
• That he has one single eyelash that is 50% longer than all the others on his right eye.
• The fact that he can go from screaming mad to totally content just by putting him in a warm bath.
• The fact that he loves it when I give him so many kisses.
• And the way he makes my life complete.

I am so happy right now!!

Sleep Training

I finally have a few moments to myself! Yay!! And the reason for these much needed evening moments you might ask? Sleep Training!

Sleeping has been getting progressively worse since I went back to work and took a dramatic turn for the worse when our daycare provider quit (with no notice). Nathan hasn’t done well with these changes and he’s been extra clingy to me. And while I love to feel needed, I can’t sit in his room with him all night so that he doesn’t wake up without me there. Just. Not. Possible.

So I decided to let him cry it out (CIO). And you know what? It worked like a charm!

The first night was rough – they always say it’s the hardest because the baby WILL cry and you just have to let them go. And I did – for 1 hour and 45 minutes. And then he slept through the night!

The second night was 3 minutes of crying, third night was 2 minutes, and fourth night was NO crying! He has gotten up in the middle of the night a few times (around 3am) and seems legitimately hungry so I feed him but he goes right back down with no argument. If he is able to go down in the evening for bed, I have no problem getting up for the occasional night feeding. We’ve had a few hiccups – two nights ago he cried for 7 minutes and he’s currently on 2 or 3 minutes tonight, but that’s okay. He’s making GREAT progress and I’m a MUCH happier Mommy!

Nathan and I met with our new nanny today which was good. She came over to get to know Nathan better and get used to our schedule. She seems awesome! while this is a big change from having him go to an in-home daycare, I think this will all work out for the best having a nanny in our own home! But, boy, has it been stressful! Yikes!

I really wanted to write a whole post about breastfeeding, but I haven’t found the time. I’m still nursing Nathan and loving it! It’s actually funny because I was really intimidated by it before I started. I knew I wanted to do it because I felt it was best, but it scared me. I had so much trouble in the beginning with my milk coming in very late (late day 5) and Nathan losing weight. We had to use a supplemental feeder for a few days while waiting for my milk to come in. It’s the most ridiculous contraption where a catheter is taped to your boob so the baby thinks the milk is coming from you and not the catheter. It helped us ease the transition and helped Nathan learn how to get better at nursing. Now, he nurses so well! I also pump while I’m at work which is inconvenient, but worth it. We haven’t spent a penny on formula and he is happy and growing well. Plus, I really love the bonding we get while nursing. It’s relaxing, too! My original goal was to nurse for six months. Now that I’m over three months into it, I want to go at least to a year with nursing and pumping. I’d rather not use formula at all and at a year transition him to cow’s milk. Of course we will start adding in solids at some point probably around six months or so. I also plan to make my own baby food and freeze it – I’ll let you know how that goes! 🙂

Wow…

I’ve had a lot of “wow” moments of late…good things and not-so-good things. I guess the first should be: wow- it’s been a LONG time since I’ve updated my blog. I guess I feel like I want to be making memories more than writing about them. That and I’m just plain tired.

I went back to work and it’s hard and frustrating. I have been dealing with HUGE Mommy-guilt. Have you ever had that? It eats away at you. When I’m home I’m feeling bad if I’m not playing or holding Nathan at all times. Which is completely unreasonable given that I also need to make sure the house is picked up, the laundry is done, the milk is organized, the dishes are in the dishwasher or put away, etc. etc. So I try to squeeze that in while Nathan is napping or after he goes to bed at night. By then I’m beat. I don’t have any time for myself really which I don’t mind per se, but I just get burned out quickly.

I also feel guilty if I need to stay home with Nathan. Like today. He’s sick. I took him to the doctor on Friday because he had an eye infection. They gave us antibiotic eye ointment which seems to be doing the trick. But yesterday he was really off and fussy. I took his temperature and he did have a fever. Before freaking out (like I did two weeks ago when he had a fever and took him to the ER – yes I AM that person), I put him in lighter clothing and waited an hour. I took it again and it had gone up. Combine that with his behavior and I’m pretty sure he has a bug. He’s been puking today more than normal (my kid is a puker). His fever is gone today and he has been okay. His eye is still swollen and he still is a bit more tired I guess than usual. My poor little baby!!!

Being a working Mom is so much harder than I ever could have imagined. I knew it wouldn’t be easy, but it’s insanely difficult.

To make matters even more difficult, our babysitter quit. Without notice. I don’t know what happened but apparently it wasn’t working out for her. She called me on a Monday to say that she wouldn’t be taking him. Ever again. Starting Tuesday. Perfect. After scrambling to find a college student to help us out for about a month, we interviewed a nanny and subsequently hired her. I feel much better about the fact that he will be in our own home, with his own toys. She will work part-time for us and I think it will work out beautifully. She’s great and will take him to story hour and play dates so he will still get out and about. It seems to fit our family better.

Nathan has been doing so much new stuff! It’s so adorable! I get excited for it, but I also don’t want him to grow up too quickly!! He is really alert and paying attention to things. He likes to play a lot and sit on my lap. We put together his exercaucer and he LOVES that.

Another “wow” moment happened on Friday night. It was my college reunion which I was really apprehensive about. I had a falling out with a VERY close friend and roommate during college and we haven’t spoken since. I knew I would see her and didn’t know what to do. After a lot of anxiety, we did see each other. And we both smiled and hugged. It was amazing. We both apologized and decided the past is the past and we were young then. We both admitted that we thought about each other all the time in the past years and missed each other very much. And boy did I miss her. We spent the next few hours catching up and doing a lot of “OMG, Really?!” We decided to meet for breakfast on Sunday to catch up more and introduce her to Nathan. It was a great time! We caught up on things and are really looking forward to our time together in the future!

And finally, I have another “wow” moment…which is about my blog. I started a blog to get my feelings out. I needed an outlet for my journey – especially not knowing where that journey would take me. But it has really been a tool in connecting me to others in ways I never thought it would. I knew some of my friends would read it, but I thought it would be more of this anonymous journal. And it’s not. I love hearing that people (old friends, new friends, people just stumbling by) read my blog. I don’t update it as much as I should, but I still love hearing that people read it. Maybe in some way it will help someone else who might be going through infertility issues themselves. At least show them that it can be done. That the chances of me having a baby were not awesome. But, I wanted it. More than I thought was humanly possible. And now I have this perfect little soul (who is currently whining for me in the other room :)).

Okay, enough with the sentimental stuff! Here are a few pictures of Nathan!!

In his little hat

Caught him mid-roll over

He loves to grin at himself in the mirror!

Back to Work…

Everyone told me that it would be harder on me than it was on Nathan for me to go back to work…I’m not so sure. It was hard on me for sure. I don’t want to leave him. I don’t want to miss anything. I miss him when I’m gone….etc. But, HE had a rough time with it, too. He fussed and cried all day yesterday and half the night. He was so “off” and upset. He is not used to me leaving. It was awful. When I got home after my first half day, all he wanted to do was nurse to make himself feel better. In eight hours, I fed him six times. And then he wouldn’t go to bed. And once he did go to bed, he wouldn’t sleep more than 45 minutes at a time. Finally, around 1:00AM I decided to go sleep in his room so that at least when he fussed I was right there. It seemed to do the trick because I got an almost 5 hour stretch. Granted, I slept on the floor wrapped up in a blanket and laying on a comforter. It was less than comfy. I did well at work during my first two half-days.

But then tonight happened. I was plugging along doing alright and then I had to get everything ready for tomorrow. I packed up my bag with my pump, snacks, wallet, etc. and then I packed his things. Diaper bag, extra clothes, toys, a box of diapers/wipes for the sitter. When I finally sat down is when it hit me. I’m actually leaving my child. At daycare.

And then the tears came…I feel like this will be one of the hardest, if not THE hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Infertility was hard…I think this will be right up there. I feel like I’m going to come home from work and Nathan’s going to be five years old or something. Like I’m missing out on his life already and I haven’t even left yet.

This seriously sucks.

Real Tears.

Nathan had his two month shots today. He took it like a big boy, but I didn’t. His cry was so sad. I nursed him immediately after which helped and then he appeared drunk after that. But, when he woke up from his nap, he was in so much pain. It. Was. Awful. The worst part (aside from his horribly sad “I’m in pain” cry was that he cried real tears for the first time ever. I had to wipe away his sad little tears. It broke my heart. 😦

I gave him tylenol like the doctor said I could and he fell asleep in my arms. I let him sleep for a little bit in my arms then put him down and he has been sleeping for almost 2 1/2 hours. I think the combination of the vaccines and tylenol made him very sleepy. But, he isn’t in as much pain so that’s good. The silver lining is that I’ve gotten a bunch of stuff done around the house. I hate that he’s not feeling well though. My poor little baby boy.

On a good note, two days ago, he giggled! He smiled at me when I was talking or making a face at him and then he giggled. It was super cute! He was very smiley this morning when I put him in bed with us for a few minutes to hang out. The four of us snuggled (dog included) and it was great. Nathan loved it. He also was rolling around a lot the other day. And he pulled himself up off of his bouncer the other day, too. We sure are going to have our hands full… 🙂

Going Back to Work (and other thoughts…)

Sigh…

I’m at that point where I want time to stop. I want to relive this day, this week, this month for every day, week, and month of my life. Life is perfect. I have an absolutely adorable baby who is so good and happy (and who even sleeps through the night much of the time). I’m home all day with him and we play and snuggle and enjoy each other. I get to see my husband a lot since we are only working around his schedule (we work at different times a lot). The sun has been shining. We’ve taken lots of walk. It has been glorious.

And on May 3, I will go back to work. Time will suddenly race forward. I will not spend all day lounging with my adorable baby boy. I will not see my wonderful husband as much. I will be working. And it sucks.

Don’t get me wrong. I love my job. I get to work with fabulous people (colleagues and alumni of the college). I have a light travel load which allows me to get my “city” fix just enough while still spending most of the time in my small rural community. I work 2 miles from my home and the benefits are outstanding. I work in an amazing community and feel blessed to have been welcomed into it.

But, I have to leave Nathan. My precious little man who took two years to make. The little boy I prayed so hard for. The little boy I never knew I would be so lucky to have.

We have an awesome day-care situation. We are super lucky. He will be the only child, other than the providers two daughters (4 & 6). She has similar values to us and will provide him a safe and loving home to be in when we are working. He will only be there part-time since my husband is home some days.

But, it doesn’t make it any easier.

I don’t want to miss his first-anything. Am I wrong to ask my provider to lie to me about him doing things? Like, if he takes his first step…I don’t want her to tell me. Let him take a step with me and let me think it’s his first. I won’t know any different. I can’t bear to think that I won’t be with him each moment of each day. We went out last weekend. It was fun, but my mind was on Nathan. I was glad to go home and know that I could be with him the entire next day. I even went home once during the evening so I could nurse him and put him to bed. I don’t like being away from him.

We met with our provider today – we’ll call her Ms. A. She was sweet and her girls were adorable. They are so excited to have a little baby around. It put me at ease to see where he would be and discuss things that are important to me (like, no TV) and what he loves and does not love (hates the sun, loves his bouncy chair and music). We also went into my work today for a baby shower. My colleagues were enormously generous as they have been throughout this entire journey. It put  me at ease to go back there with my family in tow. I listened to my phone messages and spent a few moments in my office. I do love my job and will look forward to getting back into the grove. I like to feel productive and tend to do better in all facets of my life when I have work to go to and keep busy.

But, it doesn’t make it any easier.

And there is no way around it. I have to work. I’ve always planned on working. I never thought I would want to be a Stay At Home Mom (SAHM). In fact, I was a bit surprised at myself when I realized I would love to stay home with Nathan and I would do anything to stay home with him. But, it’s not in the cards.

And that definitely doesn’t make it any easier.

Loving Life!

I’ve heard other Mom’s say how they are “loving their life as a Mommy and wife.” I couldn’t wait to be able to say the same thing. And now I can!

Life is so amazing as a Mom. I’m so in love in a way in which I never knew existed. I mean I love others in my life, but this is….different. I feel closer to my husband with this bond we now share. The world looks different through the eyes of a Mom. I’ve felt that since the day we brought Nathan home from the hospital. And it’s so true.

Nathan is 4 1/2 weeks old now. He’s growing so big! He’s almost out of newborn clothes and diapers. He’s getting so long! He rolled over at 4 weeks old from his belly to his back! And the next day he started batting at his toys over his head on his play mat. He held his rattle briefly this evening, but that was short-lived. He’s trying to learn to smile, but thus far I haven’t gotten more than a sly gassy grin! It’s coming though! He makes the funniest facial expressions. My favorite is when he makes this “oooo” face with his mouth (as if he was saying “ooooooo”). It’s so darn cute! He loves his play mat for about 20 minutes or so until he’s bored. He won’t sleep in his crib, so he sleeps in his swing at the moment. He breastfeeds really well. He doesn’t fuss too much except when he needs something. And he’s slept through the night on more than one occasion! He typically goes between 5-7 hours, but he’s gone as much as 8 hours before at night. I guess he likes to sleep just like his Mommy! He loves his car seat and going for rides and walks. We take lots of walks around the neighborhood or downtown.

The first few weeks were really overwhelming, but things are settled down and we have a good routine. We have feeding down pat and are enjoying our new lives! I can’t say enough good things about being a Mom. Not that I ever (seriously) thought about giving up, but I’m so thankful I didn’t. I’m not sure I’d go through everything again (the fertility drugs, the tough pregnancy, the horrid delivery), but it sure was worth it. He is amazing!

One of my favorite things – when he falls asleep on my chest.

My little monkey

Riley and Nathan – Brothers

Showing off his “ooo” face!

My Little Man

Well…life sure did get hectic!! We’re still trying to settle in and find a routine that works for us. We are very lucky as Nathan is a great baby – hardly fusses  except when he needs something and even then he won’t always really cry! A VERY good baby for sure! We had some feeding issues at the beginning, but those are resolved now. We go back to the pediatrian again tomorrow for his 2 week check up and to make sure he is gaining weight. I can tell he is based on holding him! He seems to be filling out a bit and getting a little heavier! Great news! I’m feeling better every day. A bit sore from the c-section still, but moving around great. We took a two hour walk the other day which was fantastic – great weather and just amazing to be with Ross and Nathan. Definiately the life I’ve been dreaming of for two years. I thought I’d add some pictures (finally)! Enjoy!

6 Days Old

Moose Lover!

Brothers:

What a cute face!

Nathan’s Birth Story

This is very long! A lot happened during those 31 hours! 🙂

After 16 days of Prodromal Labor (with contractions every 2-8 minutes apart), my water finally broke around 4:30am on Thursday morning, March 4. I woke up feeling two small gushes and thought it was in my head. I got up and checked and my liner was a little wet. I got back into bed and felt another larger gush and knew what it was. I got out of bed and went into the bathroom where things really got going! We called the on-call doctor and she told us to head into L&D.

We arrived at L&D around 7:00am and went to triage. It took them quite some time to get things organized and finally a doctor came in to check me – I was only 1 cm dilated. They admitted me and sent me over to my room which happened to be in the high-risk unit. We spent some time there and walked the hallways for a while. I was having some contractions, but nothing compared to the Prodromal labor (go figure). I made it to 2 cm with walking when they checked me again. They decided to give me something to ripen my cervix. They put it in and I had to lie down for a while. After an hour or so, I got up and walked around again, but my cervix was not changing. They decided at that point to put in the Cervidel. After about 2 or 3 hours of that, my contractions were coming 1-2 minutes apart with lots of pain, yet my cervix had not changed very much. They decided they had to pull it out to let my body get some rest. They wanted me to try and rest throughout the over-night and they would try again in the morning. Around 9pm, I was in such horrible pain from the contractions that they gave me Stadol. It made me relax for a while, but I woke up to even greater pain. So around 1:30am or so they gave me an epidural – it took two tries unfortunately which was painful. I got some relief from the epidural and got a little rest. But, unfortunately it was short-lived. The pain was so intense with each contraction that they kept giving me more and more medicine through the epidural. It wasn’t working very well. Throughout the night though, I had progressed to about 8 cm. We were still planning a vaginal delivery. And Nathan was doing perfect.

Now things get a little fuzzy…I remember people in my room. I remember throwing up all over myself. I remember the nurse taking my temperature. I remember screaming in pain asking for more medicine. Oh, and I remember the anesthesiologist coming in and telling me if we had to do a c-section, I would need a spinal block. But, that’s about it (minus a few things here and there) on what I really remember. I was unconscious much of the time and hallucinating the other times. I had spiked a fever of over 104 and was very sick. Nathan’s heart rate began to rise and stayed up too high for about one hour. They made the decision that I needed a c-section. I was disappointed and crying even though I knew I couldn’t take it anymore. It had been 30 hours when they decided (31 hours at the time of the c-section). I was too sick. I guess at that point they started giving me antibiotics because they suspected I had an infection and they prepped me for surgery. I was so scared. I’m pretty sure the pain was from the infection mostly and less from the contractions – well a combination of both perhaps.

They wheeled me into the OR and made Ross wait while they put the spinal block in. I was still so sick and it was hard to move. They helped me get to the operating table and then sat me up to take out the epidural and put in the spinal block. The amazing OB (who was covering for my practice) held my hands while they put the spinal in. He totally didn’t have to. He could have waited to come in until after the spinal was done. But he stayed the whole time. He let me lean on him (even though there were nurses in there) and he let me squeeze his hands. He was an angel and I am so grateful to him!

Anyway, once I was numb, they brought Ross back to sit with me. I had asked the doctor not to say what he was doing because I was so scared (I didn’t want to hear “scalpel” or “cutting”). And he obliged. I didn’t hear what they were doing at all. I was quite nauseous so they kept giving me meds for that. A short time later, they pulled Nathan out! I was a bit nervous because I couldn’t see him and he wasn’t crying! But, Ross could see him. The NICU team took him over to the warmer and checked him out – he was perfect! Ross came back and sat with me (and brought Nathan over quickly for me to say hi) for a few minutes until Nathan was done and they sent the boys to the recovery room to wait for me. It took a bit of time to sew me up (much longer than I expected). I had the best team of doctors and nurses. Nathan was 7 pounds, 9 ounces and 22 ½ inches long. He has a full head of brown hair, olive skin, and blue eyes. He is perfect!

Once they were done, they wheeled me into recovery where Ross and Nathan were waiting! I was so out of it and sick. I watched the boys together and saw the look on Ross’ face – pure happiness. I almost can’t even describe it. It was completely amazing to see him. They were still giving me lots of medicine at this point and I was numb and hurting. I couldn’t hold Nathan for quite some time because I was too out of it. Ross laid him next to my head so I could see him. Eventually, as I became more alert, I was able to hold him and try and nurse him. I loved nursing him from the very beginning. It felt so right.

After a few hours, they brought me up to my room – I got to hold Nathan all the way up there which was awesome. We enjoyed our time together as a family and a few friends came to visit during our stay. It was an incredibly rough few days physically. I was very ready to get out of the hospital. We are still waiting on test results to find out what exactly happened to me. It may shed some light on our previous miscarriage issues as there may have been a placental infection. They also took out something off of my fallopian tube which they sent for biopsy.

We’re all home now and doing great. It’s overwhelming to say the least and I’ve got a lot of worries about doing a good job and handling it all. But, we’re making do and learning every day. We have a very happy and very adorable little boy – and that’s all that counts! And here he is – Nathan Alan:

Kudos if you are still reading!!!

Nathan Alan!

On March 5, 2010, Ross and I welcomed our little handsome man, Nathan Alan. He weighed 7lbs 9oz and was 22 1/2 inches long! He has a full head of hair and blue eyes!

The birth (in my traditional fashion) was long and complicated. After 16 days of prodromal labor, 31 hours of active labor, 2 epidurals, 1 spinal block, losing consciousness due to a very high fever, a bad infection, and six antibiotics….we finally had our man! I’ll write the full birth story later.

We are trying to catch our breath and I’m trying to recover from all of the above. I’m on lots of meds still but feeling better every day. We are so in love and happy! We are trying to adjust to our new lives and are just so in love!

More later!