Fertile Journeys

June 7, 2010


Filed under: Uncategorized — by lhoham @ 7:33 pm

I’ve had a lot of “wow” moments of late…good things and not-so-good things. I guess the first should be: wow- it’s been a LONG time since I’ve updated my blog. I guess I feel like I want to be making memories more than writing about them. That and I’m just plain tired.

I went back to work and it’s hard and frustrating. I have been dealing with HUGE Mommy-guilt. Have you ever had that? It eats away at you. When I’m home I’m feeling bad if I’m not playing or holding Nathan at all times. Which is completely unreasonable given that I also need to make sure the house is picked up, the laundry is done, the milk is organized, the dishes are in the dishwasher or put away, etc. etc. So I try to squeeze that in while Nathan is napping or after he goes to bed at night. By then I’m beat. I don’t have any time for myself really which I don’t mind per se, but I just get burned out quickly.

I also feel guilty if I need to stay home with Nathan. Like today. He’s sick. I took him to the doctor on Friday because he had an eye infection. They gave us antibiotic eye ointment which seems to be doing the trick. But yesterday he was really off and fussy. I took his temperature and he did have a fever. Before freaking out (like I did two weeks ago when he had a fever and took him to the ER – yes I AM that person), I put him in lighter clothing and waited an hour. I took it again and it had gone up. Combine that with his behavior and I’m pretty sure he has a bug. He’s been puking today more than normal (my kid is a puker). His fever is gone today and he has been okay. His eye is still swollen and he still is a bit more tired I guess than usual. My poor little baby!!!

Being a working Mom is so much harder than I ever could have imagined. I knew it wouldn’t be easy, but it’s insanely difficult.

To make matters even more difficult, our babysitter quit. Without notice. I don’t know what happened but apparently it wasn’t working out for her. She called me on a Monday to say that she wouldn’t be taking him. Ever again. Starting Tuesday. Perfect. After scrambling to find a college student to help us out for about a month, we interviewed a nanny and subsequently hired her. I feel much better about the fact that he will be in our own home, with his own toys. She will work part-time for us and I think it will work out beautifully. She’s great and will take him to story hour and play dates so he will still get out and about. It seems to fit our family better.

Nathan has been doing so much new stuff! It’s so adorable! I get excited for it, but I also don’t want him to grow up too quickly!! He is really alert and paying attention to things. He likes to play a lot and sit on my lap. We put together his exercaucer and he LOVES that.

Another “wow” moment happened on Friday night. It was my college reunion which I was really apprehensive about. I had a falling out with a VERY close friend and roommate during college and we haven’t spoken since. I knew I would see her and didn’t know what to do. After a lot of anxiety, we did see each other. And we both smiled and hugged. It was amazing. We both apologized and decided the past is the past and we were young then. We both admitted that we thought about each other all the time in the past years and missed each other very much. And boy did I miss her. We spent the next few hours catching up and doing a lot of “OMG, Really?!” We decided to meet for breakfast on Sunday to catch up more and introduce her to Nathan. It was a great time! We caught up on things and are really looking forward to our time together in the future!

And finally, I have another “wow” moment…which is about my blog. I started a blog to get my feelings out. I needed an outlet for my journey – especially not knowing where that journey would take me. But it has really been a tool in connecting me to others in ways I never thought it would. I knew some of my friends would read it, but I thought it would be more of this anonymous journal. And it’s not. I love hearing that people (old friends, new friends, people just stumbling by) read my blog. I don’t update it as much as I should, but I still love hearing that people read it. Maybe in some way it will help someone else who might be going through infertility issues themselves. At least show them that it can be done. That the chances of me having a baby were not awesome. But, I wanted it. More than I thought was humanly possible. And now I have this perfect little soul (who is currently whining for me in the other room :)).

Okay, enough with the sentimental stuff! Here are a few pictures of Nathan!!

In his little hat

Caught him mid-roll over

He loves to grin at himself in the mirror!


  1. It is not possible to be too sentimental about Sweet Boy, AKA Nathan! He is perfect.

    Love you guys,

    Comment by Mom/Nana — June 7, 2010 @ 8:37 pm |Reply

  2. He is adorable! I’m sorry you are having a rough time – and I can SOOO relate! I had a really hard time figuring out how to balance things in the beginning, and feeling guilt about not spending enough time with Micah, and worrying that I had no time (or even energy) left for me. I can only say it gets easier – the schedule becomes regular, they grow up and you can multitask and interact, and they go to bed and sleep through the night, and it does get easier to strike that balance and work back in time for you. So, hang in there – you’ll find your way back to that.

    Comment by Tkeys — June 7, 2010 @ 9:36 pm |Reply

  3. SO happy to see a blog update! I check everyday and was so excited to see this one!

    Uggh – Mama guilt – all I can say is get used to it! I don’t think there’s any way around it, but just keep reminding yourself that you can’t do everything… And it is important to have time for yourself, the best thing you can give Nathan is a happy Mama (and Daddy).. So take time for yourself (even if it’s just laying on the couch during his naps once in a while) and remember you’re doing it for him, too. OH – and don’t beat yourself up for not holding him every waking moment, he needs time to exercise those little muscles, explore the world, and learn how to entertain himself 🙂

    I hope Nathan feels better soon. He is SUCH a beautiful baby! Enjoy these moments, before you know it you’ll be chasing around a 2-year-old wondering where that tiny baby went! xoxo

    Comment by Andrea — June 7, 2010 @ 9:58 pm |Reply

  4. What a cutie!

    Comment by Kate — June 8, 2010 @ 7:27 pm |Reply

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