Fertile Journeys

April 23, 2010

Going Back to Work (and other thoughts…)

Filed under: Uncategorized — by lhoham @ 6:28 pm


I’m at that point where I want time to stop. I want to relive this day, this week, this month for every day, week, and month of my life. Life is perfect. I have an absolutely adorable baby who is so good and happy (and who even sleeps through the night much of the time). I’m home all day with him and we play and snuggle and enjoy each other. I get to see my husband a lot since we are only working around his schedule (we work at different times a lot). The sun has been shining. We’ve taken lots of walk. It has been glorious.

And on May 3, I will go back to work. Time will suddenly race forward. I will not spend all day lounging with my adorable baby boy. I will not see my wonderful husband as much. I will be working. And it sucks.

Don’t get me wrong. I love my job. I get to work with fabulous people (colleagues and alumni of the college). I have a light travel load which allows me to get my “city” fix just enough while still spending most of the time in my small rural community. I work 2 miles from my home and the benefits are outstanding. I work in an amazing community and feel blessed to have been welcomed into it.

But, I have to leave Nathan. My precious little man who took two years to make. The little boy I prayed so hard for. The little boy I never knew I would be so lucky to have.

We have an awesome day-care situation. We are super lucky. He will be the only child, other than the providers two daughters (4 & 6). She has similar values to us and will provide him a safe and loving home to be in when we are working. He will only be there part-time since my husband is home some days.

But, it doesn’t make it any easier.

I don’t want to miss his first-anything. Am I wrong to ask my provider to lie to me about him doing things? Like, if he takes his first step…I don’t want her to tell me. Let him take a step with me and let me think it’s his first. I won’t know any different. I can’t bear to think that I won’t be with him each moment of each day. We went out last weekend. It was fun, but my mind was on Nathan. I was glad to go home and know that I could be with him the entire next day. I even went home once during the evening so I could nurse him and put him to bed. I don’t like being away from him.

We met with our provider today – we’ll call her Ms. A. She was sweet and her girls were adorable. They are so excited to have a little baby around. It put me at ease to see where he would be and discuss things that are important to me (like, no TV) and what he loves and does not love (hates the sun, loves his bouncy chair and music). We also went into my work today for a baby shower. My colleagues were enormously generous as they have been throughout this entire journey. It put  me at ease to go back there with my family in tow. I listened to my phone messages and spent a few moments in my office. I do love my job and will look forward to getting back into the grove. I like to feel productive and tend to do better in all facets of my life when I have work to go to and keep busy.

But, it doesn’t make it any easier.

And there is no way around it. I have to work. I’ve always planned on working. I never thought I would want to be a Stay At Home Mom (SAHM). In fact, I was a bit surprised at myself when I realized I would love to stay home with Nathan and I would do anything to stay home with him. But, it’s not in the cards.

And that definitely doesn’t make it any easier.



  1. I’m sorry you have to go back to work – it is hard when you have to go back before you are ready. It really will get easier (especially as he gets older). I know that doesn’t help right now, but you will get through this.

    I also haven’t missed any “firsts” with my son yet…somehow, he seems to save them all for when we are there. And if you’d prefer your provider to lie…then no harm done, right?

    Comment by Tkeys — April 25, 2010 @ 9:43 pm |Reply

  2. I have been meaning to reply to this post for a while but I keep getting pulled away from the computer (I know, imagine that right???). Going back to work was just as awful as you are describing it. I loved being at home with the girls and it was even harder since I was off work for 6 months straight with the bed rest time. I hated to know that I wouldn’t be there for them during the day but I was lucky to have a great caregiver to watch the girls just as you are describing your daycare provider. I hope the transition will go better then you think. Cry a little if you have to, but know that you are an awesome mommy and Nathan knows you will be there for all of his best moments. Hugs. Amy

    Comment by Amy — April 26, 2010 @ 10:52 pm |Reply

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