Fertile Journeys

June 14, 2009

Roller Coaster

Filed under: Infertility — by lhoham @ 1:31 am

This is a TMI post…also…I was originally thinking this blog might serve as a funny or witty take on the experiences of infertility. But, as I think about it more, it’s really more of a daily chronicle of my experiences: the good, the bad, and the TMI. It’s a roller coaster of emotions that you may, or may not, want to ride. So feel free to hop off if it’s not what you’re looking for. But, this is my life. If nothing else, it’s very real.

I feel like I just need to get some things off my chest. Maybe I’ll sleep better. This probably won’t follow any logical course.

So when I called the RE’s office yesterday (Friday) telling them AF started, the nurse (the one who usually doesn’t have as much patience as the others) told me that I needed to call back when it was “full flow.” She said she wouldn’t schedule my appointment until then, etc. Okay, fine. Well, that happened tonight. They are closed tomorrow. I will probably need to get in there Monday. Not a huge issue except I’m supposed to be in a retreat for work all day Monday so I’m going to need to get out of that for a short period of time (and by short we’re talking one hour drive each way plus appointment time). That’s problem #1. Problem #2 is that when I called to get my Lupron Rx refilled, they told me my pre-authorization ran out and they will need to contact the insurance company on Monday. Well, b/c AF showed today, I will need the Lupron Monday…it’s a mail order pharmacy which means the drugs won’t come until Tuesday. So, I’m hoping that when I go on Monday for my baseline b/w and u/s, they will give me one dose of Lupron at the same time. Not that the timing is ever okay for infertility stuff, but this timing is just sucking real bad. So my friends today were like “what’s the big deal? Just do it next month.” Right. I’m gonna let that one slide b/c they haven’t been through this. A month is like a lifetime in the infertility treatment world. I’m not putting this off another month. Do they realize my first angel baby would have been five months old on Monday? Monday – the day when my meds were supposed to arrive and the day that I’m supposed to be in a retreat and the day that I now need to race my heiney up to my RE’s office in between pow-wowing with my colleagues at a retreat – yeah, that Monday. I started crying tonight over the frustration of all this stuff – and I was at a party. I was looking so forward to this party and halfway through AF “full flow” as she is now known arrives, I realize the drugs I need are being held hostage in a warehouse until a day after I need them, and I’m going to, yet again, have to leave work to deal with this shit.

Totally switching topics now…(I told you it’s like a roller coaster…so if you’re dizzy – you were warned). I’m sitting at this party tonight and I start feeling dizzy. It’s more like woozie. I felt like I was drunk (okay still do a little), yet I’ve not had a drink of anything in a week. So yeah, let’s just add that into the mix. It’s probably just head congestion or something silly like that, but seriously? Do I need anything else? (Yes, I’m feeling sorry for myself – just for a moment).

I bought a hope bracelet today. A hope bracelet is a bracelet that says the word hope in lots of different fonts over and over. Rocket science. I’ve been looking for something like that for a while. I need a visual reminder to remain hopeful. Lot of good that’s doing me today, right? At least if I’m not absorbing what it has to say, it looks cute on me. So I’ve got that going for me.

I know I need to be really looking forward to starting a cycle on Monday, but I’m beat. Not beat like I shouldn’t start the cycle – don’t even say it – you can think it, but don’t anyone say it. Just tired. Emotionally drained. I’m not convinced this is going to work. I have this feeling it’ll be like the last four and in 6 weeks I’ll be saying, “Hi, my name is Lindsey. I’ve had 5 m/c.” I know, this time is a bit different with the addition of intralipids, but I’m still not convinced. But, being scared and frustrated isn’t going to cause a m/c, is it?

Maybe by going to bed right now, all my problems will go away. At least maybe I’ll sleep better now that they are all written down here. Sorry to be such a killjoy. On a funny and positive note, I went to a hot air balloon festival today – and there were no hot air balloons! Really. I was bummed. It was still an awesome day, but I would have enjoyed seeing balloons! Next year…



  1. I read your blog and it brought back many memories that I also experienced while on that roller coaster. Just wanted you to know you are not alone. Infertility becomes all consuming. I kept a fertility god by my bed and rubbed it every night and morning. I liked keeping it there so I could see it and it was my symbol of hope. Find what works for you. I wanted to help others going thru infertility so I wrote a book called Riding the Infertility Roller Coaster: A Guide to Educate and Inspire. I have info in the book to help with many of the issues you are struggling with right now. You may find it helpful. I am sending good wishes and wish you good luck on your infertility journey.
    Take care,
    Iris Waichler

    Comment by Iris — June 14, 2009 @ 10:27 am |Reply

  2. If it helps/makes you feel better, my RE told me to count day one of full flow as any flow that hits before 5 pm. So, if your full flow happened Saturday night, you can safely count Sunday as day 1 of full-flow, and go in Tuesday and start meds, etc. I’m sorry this is such a roller coaster ride! Does your RE have weekend hours? Mine was open on weekends because of the nature of cycling.

    Comment by Tkeys — June 14, 2009 @ 10:33 am |Reply

  3. Lindsey, I wish I was there with you right now to help you get through this! I know you will, but I wish there was something I could do to make this less of a roller coaster and more of a swingset you will enjoy one day with your family.

    Comment by Diane — June 14, 2009 @ 1:48 pm |Reply

  4. You just have to hold on to hope! I am sure it is both difficult (and scary) to hope and start a new cycle. I think there is a very good chance the new protocol will help you hold on to your next pregnancy. I would also be afraid to be too excited and hopeful – it is so hard to be disappointed, and so much nicer to be unexpectedly pleasantly surprised.

    Comment by Tkeys — June 15, 2009 @ 12:47 am |Reply

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