Fertile Journeys

June 3, 2009

On the Edge

Filed under: Infertility — by lhoham @ 8:32 pm
Tags: , , , , ,

I’m teetering on the edge between being okay and being a complete wreck. I try and keep it together and sometimes even be positive, but a lot of times I think it’s just an act. I’m really always on the edge of NOT being okay, which sucks. My mom called last night to tell me that my grandpa (with whom I’m quite close) had a stroke. It was a small stroke, but still a stroke. He’s okay – they did all the tests and changed some medications, but it was very scary. I couldn’t talk with him last night b/c he was still in the ER, but I did speak with him this morning – his speech is slurred a bit – you may not notice unless you know him, but I noticed and it was awful. My grandpa is a strong and good man who very rarely gets sick. He made it through WWII after landing on the beach in Normandy and has lived his life as a rock in our family. As soon as my mom told me last night, I started crying hysterically. I just couldn’t stop. I know he’s going to be okay, but like I said, I’m on the edge each moment trying to be okay. And at that moment, I was pushed over the edge. I mean I’m glad she told me, of course, but, it was hard. Needless to say I went to work with puffy eyes this morning that all the makeup in the world couldn’t fix. I’m also getting very nervous about the surgery. Before, it felt like it was just in the future so I could think about it and be anxious, but it wasn’t NOW…well, now it’s NOW – totally in the present. I’m more nervous (or at least equally as nervous) about the implications of what they find/don’t find as I am about the surgery itself. I want to know when we can try again and what this all means – which I won’t find out, obviously, until they do the surgery. And I’m having an “I really want a baby” day. For those of you who have, or are, experiencing IF, it’s one of those days where it seems like the whole world is pregnant or has a baby and life is so good for everyone and you don’t know if you will ever get to have a baby.

I feel like I just can’t handle any more – but, that’s life. (Sigh.)

I’m including a picture of my grandpa and gramma today. This was taken right after my wedding ceremony. He wore a purple shirt and tie to match the wedding colors. They are two of the most amazing people I’ve had the pleasure of knowing. I only hope I can live my life half as honestly and hard-working as they have.  




  1. I am here to introduce myself. Saw your blog listed on Stirrup Queens. Sorry about your grandpa. Since going through infertility I find myself much more emotional about everything. I value all the good things in my life way more b/c of all the struggles I have had. When something happens that threatens the good things, I am a wreck. I had a lap about 3 years ago after my ectopic pregnancy. They discovered severe endo and made sure my tube was okay. It sucked finding the endo but my doc was able to get rid of most of it and then we felt much better about doing another IVF. Best wishes to you.

    Comment by Erica Schlaefer — June 7, 2009 @ 9:23 pm |Reply

  2. Hi Erica,

    Thanks so much for your kind words! I’m glad someone else feels the same way about getting emotional. My mom kept saying “he’s fine…he’s fine…” yet I couldn’t stop crying! I’ll update my blog after the lap. As I’ve mentioned a zillion times, I really do want something to be wrong so that I can at least feel like there is a reason – something they can fix! I can’t wait to check out your blog. Thanks for writing! 🙂 Lindsey

    Comment by lhoham — June 7, 2009 @ 10:17 pm |Reply

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