Fertile Journeys

June 1, 2009

Losing Control

T-8 days and counting…until I go in for my laparoscopy/hysteroscopy. I’m feeling a bit anxious and aprehensive, but also excited to see what, if anything, is wrong with me. I’ve been having pain again on my right side (over my ovary) as well as back pain and some pelvic pain. This happens every month during O’ing (ovulation). What is frustrating is that any time there is pelvic, ovarian, or back pain (as I have all three), there can be a million and one reasons. Cramps, normal ovulation, endometriosis, standing too long in high heels, gas, cysts, scar tissue, swine flu (okay just kidding), stress, etc. How do I know if it means something? Every time I get the pains I just think to myself that I’m having the surgery in X number of days. They’ll find out what’s wrong soon. But, as I’ve mentioned before in many a post, there might not actually be anything wrong with me. Well clearly there is something wrong, but who knows if it will be something they can diagnose and thus, treat. So what if nothing’s wrong. Why the pain? Is this normal? What makes me think it’s not is that it only started after my first m/c and subsequent D&C. I had never had ovarian/back/pelvic pain before – ever. After the D&C though, I had an infection and almost had to have a second D&C. Then, a few weeks later I had SEVERE right-sided pain and went back to my OB to find out I had a 5cm complex cyst (solid and liquid material – lovely) growing on my ovary. They decided to let it go for a month to see what happened and fortunately, it shrunk so they didn’t have to do anything to get rid of it. But, ever since then, I’ve had this pain. Is it related? Is my body rejecting me and my four m/c’s? So that’s where I’m at. I’m nervous and looking forward to the surgery at the same time.

As some of my friends know, I sometimes have “control” issues as a result of this IF stuff. I can’t control any of it and it drives me crazy. And I’m not really one of those control-freak type of people, but I always thought I’d have control over when I got pregnant and how many children I would have. Since I’ve completely lost control of that, I feel the need to gain control of other things. So I’ve been toying with the idea of getting a tattoo. I’ve kinda wanted one for a while now, but am too scared to do it (having severe commitment issues with the tattoo thing to go with my severe control issues…). So I thought as a small move to gain control over my life and body I would put a new belly-button ring in my pierced belly button. So not really a big deal, but a mental milestone you might say. I’ve had my belly button pierced for 11 years so it really didn’t seem like a big deal at the time. So a week ago, I bought a really cute and simple pink belly button ring and put it in…voila…taking control. And what does my body do? Makes me realize I’m an idiot and I really have no control and gives me an allergic reaction to the metal in the ring? WTF?! Seriously…11 years worth of belly button rings and NO problems. So, my belly button and surrounding stomach area broke out in a fantastic rash…great…laparoscopic surgery (through the belly button) is about to happen and my belly button is an inflamed mess! And then, to make matters worse, I put neosporin on it to help heal it and had an alergic reaction to THAT! Seriously, I couldn’t make this stuff up. Anyway, it’s slowly healing now and I should be all set for the surgery next week. I bought some topical benadril to help the itching from the alergic reactions (both of them). Wow…so much for gaining control. Maybe it’s a sign that I shouldn’t get a tattoo. That’s a whole other post for another day…



  1. TTC is really tough because there is no control. I had a tough time with that, too. I started to chart and temp, and plan when I was doing different cycles, and I had a very strange routine for giving myself shots. It was all about control. DH said I got much more crazy about mess and organization in the house. It is hard not to have control over your own body.

    Good luck with the surgery – I hope they find something! It could be there is scar tissue, or some tissue that remained, or an infection still going on that maybe they can identify/fix. I don’t know your whole story, but have you had the ANA and RPL panels run to see if there are other m/c issues going on? Also, were you checked for some of the clotting disorders (like MTHFR)? Those are all things that can explain repeated m/c and be treated.

    Comment by Tkeys — June 2, 2009 @ 3:28 pm |Reply

  2. no tatoo-if you wanted my vote

    Comment by MJ — June 3, 2009 @ 8:41 pm |Reply

  3. I think many of us with IF want to control everything else since we cant control our reproductive systems. The HSG wasnt as bad as I thought it was. There was a little cramping afterwards, some discharge, and just a feeling of uncomfortability. But it wasnt bad. I hope yours goes smoothly!

    Comment by Michele — June 5, 2009 @ 12:12 pm |Reply

  4. Tkeys made some good suggestions…are those things that have been considered for you? Love you.

    Comment by Mom — June 7, 2009 @ 6:57 am |Reply

  5. TKeys- I was checked for the clotting factors which were all negative – but they put me on aspirin and lovenox as a precaution. They did a lot of blood work for antibodies and everything also came back normal. I’ll have to check on the specific tests they ran. They did mention that sometimes even if you test “normal,” you may in fact be boarder-line and thus, they give you the meds to be on the safe side. So they are going to give me the intralipids anyway.

    Comment by lhoham — June 7, 2009 @ 4:59 pm |Reply

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