Fertile Journeys

May 25, 2009

Want it so bad

Filed under: Infertility — by lhoham @ 8:04 pm

I know, I know – My time will come. I’m so young. Keep trying, etc. etc. And not that those words are bad – they aren’t. But, I want this so bad. You don’t even know – well maybe you do. I just wish there was some guarantee that things would work out. That wouldn’t be life. I know I’m lucky – I have amazing friends and family. I have a beautiful home, a good job, an adorable dog…life is good. But, empty at the same time. Everywhere I turn there are beautiful families, kids, and the worst, babies. I wish I could be immune to this, but it’s all around me.

We went to some fun get-togethers this weekend. On Saturday night, we got to spend time with some of our closest friends at a bar-b-que. I sat down at the table and started to ravenously eat the amazing cream cheese dip (yes, I have food issues – mainly that I love it) and started talking to some friends. Periodically, I would look out to the yard and see my husband playing and caring for the kids. It was one of those moments like when you are dating a guy and you see that he isn’t scared to death of children and you realize you can have a future with him – it was like that – except bittersweet. It was so cute and sweet. He was swinging with the kids and making sure they didn’t get hurt. He could have sat on the deck and ignored it all – I mean none of those kids were ours. But, he didn’t. He wanted to be with them. But, none of them are ours. And they should be. We should have a 4 month old – that’s how old our first baby would have been now. I keep thinking how different our lives would be if we had a child. And while I’m having a great weekend – it should be different. It should be cute when Ross is playing with our little one – not someone else’s child.

Everywhere I look – everything I do – I think about wanting a baby – not having a baby – how great it must be to have a baby. It’s tiring. I want to be strong and brave. And I think I am. But, that doesn’t mean it’s not the only thing I think about most days – because it is. And, I don’t know if it’ll work out. I don’t know if I can have children. I don’t know for sure that I’ll get my happy ending. I hope so – but, being hopeful is sometimes tiring…

Total downer, I know. Sorry. I really did have an awesome weekend. I just can’t stop thinking about babies…



  1. Being hopeful is exhausting. I was feeling EXACTLY like you just about 1 year ago. My BFP came a few weeks later. Luckily, at Memorial Day last year, we knew we were pregnant, and I was wanting to announce to everyone that we, too, were joining their ranks.

    What you are feeling is very real, and I wish I could give you answers. It is the uncertainty that is so hard. And the questions – I hated people asking when we were having kids. All I can tell you is that some days, you just have to get through it. And there WILL be the “other side” eventually. But even looking back now, that pain is still very real to me. It does change a person, and I’m sorry you are experiencing this.

    Comment by Tkeys — May 26, 2009 @ 12:37 am |Reply

  2. Thanks, Tess. Yes, it does change a person…that’s been hard and interesting at the same time. I am NOT the person I was a year ago – and never will be that person again. I’m not sure if that’s good or bad – but, it is the way it is. In some ways I’m stronger of a person, but in some ways I feel broken – the innocence and hope is gone – Maybe it’ll come back, but people don’t know how good they have it when they just get pregnant on the first try and have nothing go wrong…they have no idea.

    Thanks for writing! I can’t comment on your blog b/c my computer won’t let me!!! ugh, very frustrating!

    Comment by Lindsey — May 26, 2009 @ 2:13 pm |Reply

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