Fertile Journeys

May 15, 2009

Feeling Left Behind

Filed under: Infertility — by lhoham @ 7:08 pm
Tags: , ,

So here’s the deal – I feel left behind. It feels like the whole world is knocked up and I’m not. A pitty party? Maybe. I want to be doing something – anything – to move towards the goal of children and what am I doing? Sitting here with a purple cast on my arm with a week-long stomach ache (w/associated pelvic & back pain to make things really fun). A purple cast, you might say? Yes. After having surgery on my left wrist twice for a ganglion cyst by a surgeon who didn’t know what he was doing apparently, I had to have a third surgery to fix the cysy AND the first surgeon’s mistake. And that bought me a month in a cast. So I decided on purple which the nurse informed me was a “fabulous choice” and here I am typing with one hand while I prop the other one in the air b/c it STILL hurts after 4 weeks! Purple Cast...So back to the stomach ache. The RE can’t figure out what’s wrong with me – meaning why I can’t seem to have a baby. All the tests have come back perfect (See The Short Story). But there is one more “test” I need to have to rule out important things such as endometriosis, scar tissue, and structural defects – surgery. Seriously? Seriously. I get to have more surgery. And I feel like it might show something…which again brings me back to the stomach ache. I think I may have either endometriosis or scar tissue from the D&C (and subsequent complications). And this stomach ache might be part of that. Or maybe I have the Swine Flu – you never know. I have many of the symtoms and the only sure way to diagnose and fix both endo or Asherman’s Syndrom (scar tissue) is through a laparoscopy & hysteroscopy. Sounds like fun, huh? So on June 9 I will for the 6th time in my life have surgery. And the kicker? They might not find anything! I know I should want there to be nothing “wrong” with me…but, really I do. I want there to be something they can fix so I can keep a baby…enough’s enough, right? I think I will have a meltdown if they say nothing’s wrong with me. Then why #1 have I had 4 m/c and #2 am I in so much pain? Maybe they’ll lie and say there is something wrong even if there is not…I can give you my doc’s number if anyone wants to call him…

So…where do we go from there? After the surgery, I will try a second round of injectable IUI with my lovely cocktail of drugs that make me fat, sore, and cranky and add one more IV therapy drug which will protect the baby against my body since my RE suspects my body may be attacking my little babies. Now that’s heart-warming.

Well now – that was a solid pitty party. I’m not always this cranky. Some days I’m downright hopeful…but, not today.



  1. Welcome, welcome, welcome to blogland!!!!! Like I said in my SK post, make sure to go visit Mel at Stirrup Queens and announce your blog’s birth! I’m so sorry that you are having to deal with yet another surgery (but that sure is one spiffy cast). I do hope that you get an ‘answer’ to why you have IF. Sometimes, I feel I have way too many answers…and yet at least it points up in a direction to head. Keep you head up girl!!!!

    Oh yeah, and I’m adding you to my blogroll!

    Comment by Eve — May 17, 2009 @ 9:12 am |Reply

  2. I hate to wish for something wrong, but I hope you have endo or something they can easily fix/treat. June 9 is just around the corner! I had a hysteroscopy done and had a fibroid removed. You’ll do just fine!

    Comment by Tkeys — May 17, 2009 @ 8:48 pm |Reply

  3. I also wanted to say, that “left behind” feeling is horrible. I had it, too, for so long, as I spent month after month on hold, on bcps, just waiting to even try for one reason or another (like a broken ankle, a series of cysts . . . ) It actually physically hurts sometimes, but you will get through it. Hang tough – IF makes you tougher!

    Comment by Tkeys — May 18, 2009 @ 10:54 am |Reply

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